Being Grateful For My Life

[Rogue Angel]

*sits down with my cup of coffee, sighing heavily*... i had a restless night of half-sleep last night, friends... during which time i thought about how truly wonderful my life is... MINE. Things may not be perfect, but they are far from horrible... i looked into the eyes of horrible and hopeless last night... and it made me grateful for what i have.

*sighs again*... some of you know, and some of you don't... that i have a friend... one of my best friends, from childhood to adulthood... that is an addict... i went through round after round of addiction and recovery with her... until i finally had to get out. i know that sounds cruel, but after years of watching someone you care about and love like a sister slowly killing themselves with whatever they can get their hands on... losing their home... cars... and even children, then finally their own health... and there is nothing... absolutely nothing you can do, or anyone else to make them stop.... *shrugs weakly*....

i moved away for a long time... and when i came back here, things had gotten SO much worse... but last night... i came to realize that things could have been SO much worse... and now they are....

*breaks down and sobs quietly*....

[img]graemlins/broken_heart.gif[/img]

my best friend (there were 3 of us... we were a trio of best friends) called me from our other friend's house last night... freaking out... needing me to come and get her... She is constantly locking her keys in her car, and she still goes over there for an occasional visit, though i cannot... i just can't. i don't want to be around that stuff, and i don't wanna see what it's doing to her... how she just keeps going further and further away from the person that she used to be... plus the fact that they stay in almost constant trouble with the law now... and i cannot afford to lose everything that i have because i was in the wrong place at the wrong time, with things going on that i have no involvement in.

Anyway... i didn't want to, but i went there and took her spare key so she could get into her car and get out of there... i knew by her upset that things were going on over there... so i went... i got there, went up to the door, and when it opened... *breaks down again*....

she's a full 10 years younger than me... still in her 20's... she looks like she's in her 40's... oh my god. she looked as if she hadn't had a bath in 2 weeks, and said she'd been up for 3 days straight... greasy hair, ragged clothes... bags under her eyes from all the days of not sleeping... but her eyes.... her EYES.... i couldn't bear to look at her... i can't explain the look of them... she had the prettiest eyes... CLEAR blue... filled with emotion, you could always tell what she was thinking or feeling through her eyes... they are completely wild, and look through you, as if she isn't seeing anything... there is no heather there anymore... she's just.. not.. THERE. i almost broke down on the spot and cried.

She hugged me... and hugged me... and kept holding on.... her body shaking all over... telling me how much she missed me, and how good i looked, and how pretty i was, and how glad she was to see me.... we went into the kitchen and i was expecting my other friend to be ready to go... but you know, it's HARD to just say hi, i know i haven't seen you in 4 or 5 years, but i gotta be going now... it appeared fairly calm... no one there but she and her husband, who also looked terrible and haggard... and my friend... she had photos out of all of us from YEARS ago... when she still had her children... birthday parties, playing with them at the park, just... all kinds of pictures... and pictures from when all 3 of us were little and used to play together... it was just... so sad.

i looked at the pictures... at the beautiful... BEAUTIFUL!!! girl that she used to be... and back to her face... with those dead eyes staring out of it... it was too much to bear... and seeing her children... i loved those kids so much... two of the sweetest, most beautiful little girls you've ever seen... they are in a better place now... staying with their aunt, who is married to a lawyer... and living next to their other aunt, who is a doctor herself... they have a really good life, thank god, and i am so glad for that....

but here their mother is... all alone... and i KNOW it's her own doing... but her mother is in a nursing home... her kids are gone... her brother is in jail for possession... she has no one... she cried and said we should come over more... that nothing ever happened there anymore, and usually it was just the two of them there... and she loved us like sisters, and would love for us to come and visit with her sometimes, the way we used to... coffee in the mornings, or a day long visit on days off...

i looked around... that house looked the same as it has for years... her mother's house... it's falling in practically... and at one time, there were cabinets and cabinets of antiques... that are now gone... i can guess where they went... [img]frown.gif[/img] the furniture is torn and ratty... the place was clean... but far from habitable... *choking back tears*... the oven was on, with the door open for heat... and it was FREEZING in there....

and as i am standing there with my heart being completely ripped out of my chest... a guy walks in... one of their friends... he sits down at the table as we are talking, and proceeds to start cooking up crack.

time for melissa to go HOME.

it's not like i've never been around that before... they've been slaves to it for years... i've just... never seen it presented in such a blatant way... no secrecy, no "who are these people?" just, sit down at the table and start cooking it up.... i wasn't gonna sit there and watch that... or listen to her try to say that it doesn't happen every day... it's friday night, and they wanted to party a little... and she was sorry... she was sorry... she was sorry... that it happened while we were there... as they are handing her the pipe to take her hit...

i was so crushed... i thought i would die before i could get out of there... and i know it's cruel, and maybe it sounds kinda wimpy, but i do not want to be associated with that, or be around it in ANY way... it has destroyed them... and as i said, the cops are always looking for someone there... if they had showed up at the door while i was still there, in a room full of crackheads getting high... i'm really sure they would have believed that i was just there to pick up my other friend... who incidentally, was freaking out, because she HADN"T ever seen them do it before or been around it, etc... i could have killed her for getting me involved and making me see what i saw....

i just... people forget that addicts were once "regular, normal" people... they view them as trash and look down on them... i KNOW it's their own fault.. i know this... but that doesn't mean i can't cry for the sad, pitiful existence in which she is now living... she was so ashamed of the way she looked, and what was going on... but at the same time it didn't keep her from doing it... i just... i have been fuckin torn up the whole night... thinking to myself that the next time i see her... it will be in a coffin... she's already had 3 mini-strokes from doing it... she's a hollow shell of who my friend used to be... no money, no REAL friends, no family, for fuck's sakes they are living in a shack with no fucking heat and sitting around smoking rock.

*clutches my stomach*.... i'm so torn up about it... she begged me to come back another time, when that wasn't going on... i couldn't and wouldnt lie and say that i would... i just didn't say anything... i just hugged her and told her i loved her... then i left... i won't go back... there is nothing that will make her stop... nothing... ever... they were sending someone out to get liquor after that, and there were pills just PILED up on their microwave... she'll never stop... never... ever... until the day it kills her... she was beautiful, had a beautiful life... beautiful kids... so much potential... and it was all ruined... and she can never go back to who she was... i saw it... that person isn't there anymore... in all the ways that make a person who they are... she's already dead....

ok, so now i am bawling like a huge baby again, and i have been blindly typing in upset and have NO CLUE what i have just said, really... i just couldn't keep it bottled up... it's just so sad... so awfully, pathetically sad.... and it's not going to get any better....

i came home to my cute little WARM apartment... all spic and span... and curled up on my couch with my precious little kitty cat... and bawled my head off... then thanked GOD that i did not get caught up in it as well.... that i was a strong enough person with a strong enough bond to my family and the people that cared about me, that i did not get sucked right in with the whole of that group... my other best friend and i might have smoked a whole lotta weed. *L*... but jesus... it's not the same... it's not in the same ballpark, league, or even the same game.

i have never been so grateful to just be... me.

maybe i haven't gotten to exactly where i want to be yet... but i am bathed, wearing clean clothes, living in a place where there is heat... supporting myself, and being the best person and living the best life that i can.... taking care of my family and friends.... and hoping that one day a special someone will come along to take care of, and just maybe who will take occasional care of me....

it's hard to sit around and whine and cry about being alone... or about not having as much financial freedom as i would like, or a house of my own... knowing that i am a million times better off than someone who used to be so close to me we were almost the same person...

it's fucked up how the world works sometimes.

[img]graemlins/broken_heart.gif[/img]

[mRs.GaToR]

Just *HUGS* ya tight and cries with you [img]graemlins/kiss.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/heart.gif[/img]

[BlackMagicRose]

*HUGGGSSSS* I know how hard it is to deal with that side of things. When I was about 18-19 years old I was involved with a guy who did meth. Needless to say I did it too. Not nearly as much and all it took was me getting really fucking sick off the stuff to stop. It's never easy seeing someone you love or care about waste away. Or see your friends in that group of people shoot up (I never did). Sitting there watching them destroy what life they have because they can't stop doing something that will eventually kill them. I was just fortunate enough to wake up before things for me got very bad. And I lost a LOT of friends in the process. But the thing I always figured was if they were really friends they wouldn't try and drag me down with them. [img]graemlins/rose.gif[/img]

[Rogue Angel]

i guess i did make myself sound a bit innocent... *L*... i have just been away from that scene for SO long now... i never did meth... or smoked crack or etc.... but who knows what i would have stopped at had tragedy not struck. Something about holding your dead boyfriend's limp body in your arms after he's OD'd on heroin.... makes you never want to touch anything like that EVER again... sort of surreal as well as horrifying when you're high on it yourself. (i never touched a needle either, BMR... but i certainly wasn't afraid to snort anything coming and going. I didn't much care at that time in my life if i died, but i didn't feel real good about the possibility of living and getting AIDS or hepatitis.)

i am SO glad that i made it through that period. it's so scary to me to look back at some of the things i did back then... jesus. i dunno how i made it, and that's no lie... i don't talk about my "colorful" past too much... it's like a lifetime ago... someone ELSE'S life... and i'm GLAD. Otherwise, looking at my friend's life may have been the same as looking in the mirror. [img]frown.gif[/img]

... it's been a while... since i thought about Tommy. christmas time reminds me of him, though... he used to sing me christmas carols, kurt cobain style, with his acoustic in hand...screaming like a madman, until i would laugh so hard i'd almost piss myself... he had the sweetest voice... so soulful, when he would sing softly to me... things like that always made me feel so special... and understood.... [img]graemlins/heart.gif[/img]
i can relate with a friend who recently said someone used to sing them to sleep... i miss it... too. [img]frown.gif[/img]